Cotton Head

My brain is blank this morning, a little hungover maybe. It feels like it is stuffed with cotton sometime during the night. Waking is hard work today.

Most of all, I am way off my routine, off my rhythm, after this crazy week of travel. I started in Oregon a week ago Friday, flew through Chicago on my way to Philadelphia. Spent a day in Phillie site-seeing before heading to southern New Jersey — Cherry Hill — for a wedding. On Monday I hopped a plain for Ohio — through Atlanta — and spent a couple of days with my dad, stepmom and Grandmother (she turned 94 last Tuesday).

On Wednesday it was back to Philadelphia where I spent Thursday at the National Council of Teachers of Mathematics conference, checking out the show floor, listening in on a few sessions and getting a sense for the state of technology in math education after many years away.

On Friday I jumped on an Amtrak train to New York City. I had some very fruitful meetings and walked 6.5 miles around Manhattan. Saturday I flew home. I’d say I covered close to 10,000 miles this week. Glad I don’t do it often.

Yesterday my brain was stuffed up, too. I took a little nap mid-morning and then cleared things up with a 20 mile bike ride and a beautiful evening on the Columbia River with my wife and kids. I thought maybe I’d be ready to go today but here I sit with my brain still stuffed to the rafters, trying to get my rhythm back. One foot in front of the other, that is all I can do for now.

Missing A Day Feels Like Missing a Lifetime

A nurse who works with dying patients wrote that her patient’s biggest regrets are as follows:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Paul Graham turned the list upside down:

1. Don’t ignore your dreams
2. Don’t work too much
3. Say what you think
4. Cultivate friendships
5. Be happy

I’m traveling this week and especially feel Paul’s list acutely. I miss my wife and girls too much. They are some of my closest friends. Every day I am away from my daughters feels like a day I will never get back. I find that they are a constant reminder of Paul’s list and can’t wait to see them again on Saturday.

Anxiety

Thursday morning last week I woke up at 4am in a panic. We had shipped powerOne version 3 to Apple the day before, it was the first time in months I could stop and assess what was going on. And at 4am my world was collapsing.

Sales have slipped. Six months ago we were a top 10 finance category iPad app and then we were a 10-15 ranked app. And then we weren’t the top selling financial calculator app, bested for a day here by a hideously ugly copy of an HP 10b and another day by the HP 12c itself. Our ratings had dropped for a week, into the low 20s then into the high 20s and then into the low 30s. (iPhone stayed steady but when panicking details like this don’t matter.)

It wasn’t like I didn’t see this coming. A couple of our key competitors released iPad versions recently and it had an impact. This wasn’t new but on this day I still couldn’t stop the anxiety.

And then a new product we are releasing next week, a project I couldn’t be prouder of, went into review and stayed there for 12 hours, 18 hours, 24 hours and counting. I never had an app in review that long. My brain went nuts. They were going to reject it! What did we do wrong? What was I going to do to get it approved before Wednesday? Who was I going to beg and plead with because I didn’t want to call two multi-billion dollar companies we developed this with and tell them we can’t launch?

And of course, my brain snowballed from there. The sales will never recover! We are doomed! I’ve never going to get to work on my new project I am so desperate to complete! Our apps suck anyway! There are going to be a million bugs to fix in the new releases and I’m traveling for a week! And the sales are never going to recover anyway! I’m going to have to get a job! My family will have to move! We will be living on the streets! We won’t have anything to eat!

I was gone. My brain was fried. And at 4am last Thursday morning all I could do was lay on the couch and read a book. I couldn’t sleep because every time I shut my eyes the panic returned.

I don’t do that often. Once when I was 19 I went through one of these and I never thought I’d see the other end. I’m a ridiculously rational person and hate being driven by emotion. And all last Thursday was was raw emotion, frazzled and exhausted.

20 years later at least I know better. The stress always subsides, the anxiety always goes away. The key is to just put one foot in front of the other. So I wrote documentation and made my calls and had my Thursday meetings. To most I was a duck on the water: calm as can be on the surface but paddling furiously underneath.

I didn’t sleep well Thursday night, either. No big surprise. But Friday was better. Again, 4am. But this time our category position recovered some and our sales recovered some. By Friday I could remember that we have an amazing revision coming plus three new revenue streams, all in the next week or so. I dove into my new project, feeling creative and refreshed after a forced hiatus from our new product, and got a ton done before the sun rose. And before lunch the app that sat in review for over 40 hours was approved.

The stress is there — we need to get the revenues up — but the excitement about the new opportunities returned.

Of course I still won’t sleep. I’m too excited!

The Reading Click Point

I’ve been trying to read more non-current event stuff lately. For a while I was reading multiple weekly, bi-weekly and monthly magazines cover-to-cover to go along with my RSS feed, but over the last year or so I have cancelled most subscriptions and decided with another that I would just pick individual articles that looked interesting. The only magazine I still read cover-to-cover is National Geographic.

Part of the reason I did this was to clear space in the calendar for other things, like reading books. I have been reading a series of fiction and non-fiction books, some fluff stuff and other stuff with deep meaning. For instance, I read all three of the Nicki Heat books based on the TV show Castle right after finishing a 2000 page survey course on US history.

One of the books I started recently is Neal Stephenson’s Diamond Age, which I discussed yesterday a little. For whatever reason, crime novels/suspense novels always hook me right away. Each of the Castle books were started and completed in a day. But other non-fiction books always take me some time to get into. For instance I was about 20% of the way through Diamond Age, starting to think about dropping it and moving on to another book, when suddenly it clicked and I was engaged.

I had completely forgotten about this phenomena — the reading click point — since I hadn’t been reading a lot of books over the last few years. I’m glad it hit me before I turned back and hope I remember to give it time with the next book, too.

Rationalizing Rash Decisions

I’m not good at emotional decisions. It doesn’t mean I don’t make them, just that I hate it when I do. I’m a very rational person and prefer making decisions with my head, not my heart. When I do make a decision with my heart I tend to fret about it until I can rationalize it.

This weekend my wife, daughters and I were at the mall across town. In the mall is a place called The Hannah Society, which provides full service support for adoptive pets. They start with a matching service and then, for a reasonable monthly fee, provide everything you will ever need for your pet, including food, toys, vet visits, everything.

We have been in there before with no specific reason except to let the girls play with the dogs, cats, rabbits and guinea pigs, but this time I connected with a puppy and made the snap decision to adopt him. He is a beagle mix (they say Austalian Shephard, we think terrier), 3-4 months old. We have lost three pets in the last few months and our dog is getting older. A puppy will take us through our kids graduating from high school.

I had a horrible night Saturday. I couldn’t sleep, woke up regretting my snap decision, fretting over it all night, ready to back out. But Sunday morning my wife and I talked through it, rationalized it, and decided it was the right decision.

We get to bring Charlie home this weekend. It will be fun to have a puppy around the house again.