What Will Apple Do With $100 Billion?

Apple, by now, has passed the amazing $100 billion mark in near-term and long-term cash and equivalents. I thought it would be fun to take some guesses as to what Apple might do with all of it.

The easiest guess is they won’t do anything. The company was very close to going bankrupt in 1997 and maybe it wants to horde cash to ensure its future safety. Somewhere on Apple’s campus there has got to be a Scrooge McDuck room, you know the one filled with cash that he’d swim through? Man, that’d be fun. (McDuck was hard-core though. He swam through coins. That’s gotta be rough on the skin.)

Or maybe Apple wants to give huge cash dividends to their stockholders… Ha! That’s funny.

The most likely guess is that it wants to control supply lines. Hard to compete when Apple buys up all the gorilla glass or flash memory. They’ve done this before.

Maybe Apple wants to buy out the US government. (It seems to be for sale anyway. Of course, it would probably be cheaper just to buy California.) There are laws, you say? Since when do those seem to matter? There are enough loopholes in campaign finance laws to drive a Mac truck through. Apple could find a way. With that it can move its factories back to the States by abolishing all labor laws, especially the minimum wage. Unemployment is high and housing is still expensive. Apple could start their own “Apple cities” where people would clamor to get jobs on the assembly line building iPhones and iPads in exchange for free, dormitory housing. It could be like the military but with fewer guns.

Or maybe Apple will buy Silicon Valley and spin it out into its own country. Then Apple could kick Google out and tell them to find a new home.

What if Apple bought a carrier? This has been speculated about before and frankly, I just don’t see it as Apple’s style. Maybe they’d buy all the cell towers in the world and then they could do what they want with them. Buying a carrier makes no sense (does any of this post?) since they are local and Apple sells devices worldwide.

How about Samsung? Man, would that piss off Google or what? I don’t know how the US Justice Department would feel about this one. Besides, they’d only buy them to shut it down. Oh, forget Samsung! Why not buy Google?

What if Apple bought a cable carrier? They’d own distribution rights but it might give Apple a content deal that would let them negotiate with the rest of the country. Instead of distributing through cable boxes Apple could stream channels as podcasts through iTunes. You’d just “subscribe” to whichever show you’d want to watch and it would be sitting in your account ready to watch. Maybe this is what Steve Jobs in biography said he’d figured out about Apple TV. He didn’t mean the technology to control it. He meant the content.

Education is a mess and Apple just announced a huge education initiative geared around text books. That’s, what, 65 million US customers alone. Maybe buying the entire text book industry for $20 billion and then giving away (or making really cheap) all of their content would pay off. Even if it didn’t pay off for Apple, it sure would pay off for the US.

Apple could buy Netflix. Ah, okay. Don’t know why they would. Apple never buys and keeps brands.

I’ve got one: what if Apple bought Disney. That’d be fun, wouldn’t it? Plus the symbolism would be awesome. Steve Jobs buys Pixar, Steve Jobs comes back to Apple, Disney buys Pixar (making Steve Jobs the largest shareholder), Apple buys Disney. Fun! Apple would be in a pretty powerful position, owning cable and regular channels as well as movies. We always talk about Apple controlling the next generation. What better way to do it then to own all the movies these kids love. And think of the deals. Suddenly every Disney and Pixar movie is $5 to own or $.99 to rent. ESPN would be available for $20 per year for anyone with an Apple TV. It might force the rest of the cable and movie business to match pricing or risk losing the rest of their subscribers. Hmm… This one might make too much sense for this article.

It’s impossible to know but it sure is fun to speculate!

Owning Hollywood, Apple Style

Apple’s Massive Numbers and Some Context

Of all the great nuggets pulled off the web by MG Siegler yesterday regarding Apple’s earnings call, my favorite is this one:

Apple’s profit last quarter was $3 billion more than all of Hollywood’s gross box office receipts for all of last yearnotes Eric Spiegelman via Anthony De Rosa.

So… Apple tired of playing games with Hollywood? No problem. It can take a small portion of its almost $100 billion in cash and just buy it.

SOPA: A Fundamental Question Of Trust

[My apologies to anyone who read the oddly posted version yesterday. It’s gone now. Some weird WordPress hiccup. Below is the actually completed version I meant to publish.]

Here’s the question that is going to screw Chris Dodd: who do you trust more, the tech industry or Hollywood?

Once upon a time, Americans spent all of our free time in movie theaters and in front of television, reading newspapers and paging through magazines. Once upon a time we believed in the folks who ran those businesses and starred on those screens. When Ed Sullivan said smoke Kent cigarettes and use Wisk laundry detergent, America did. When Walter Cronkite said the Vietnam War was bad, America agreed. We had faith in Cary Grant and James Stewart and John Wayne. We believed that the newspapers and magazines were telling us the news we needed to know, straight up.

But in the 1970s and 1980s, that faith began to falter and by the 1990s and into the new millennium, that faith was gone. When a starlet promoted a brand we asked how much is she getting paid? When the Times wrote a story we asked where’s the bias? We became cynical, we stopped believing what we were told, believing that the person or entity telling us had an agenda.

If time is an indicator, clearly the tech industry is trusted more. Now we don’t read papers, we read Twitter, we watch YouTube, we follow our friends on Facebook, and we search for opinions we care about on Google. Somewhere between 1970 and 2010, we stopped trusting old media and started trusted tech.

So jack-ass Chris Dodd, head of the Motion Picture Association, can say on Fox News that he’s going to take his bribe money and go home if the Congress he bought doesn’t get in line. But Chris Dodd doesn’t understand that the MPAA isn’t trusted enough anymore to make those claims.

What Chris Dodd doesn’t understand is that PIPA and SOPA just woke the lumbering giant, the tech industry he just tried to screw. And if that lumbering giant decided it will take center stage in guiding this country politically in the 21st Century, Chris Dodd and the rest of his old world media politicians better watch out.

Because America doesn’t trust you anymore.

SOPA/PIPA Backers Still Don’t Get It

Dodd Calls for Hollywood and Silicon Valley to Meet

I really hope Chris Dodd does what he says and sits down with the tech industry. And I really hope that this statement does not indicate that Chris Dodd and the rest of those backing PIPA and SOPA think that they would have been more successful if they just would have moved quicker.

But the startlingly speedy collapse of the antipiracy campaign by some of Washington’s savviest players — not just the motion picture association, but also the United States Chamber of Commerce and the Recording Industry Association of America — signaled deep changes in antipiracy lobbying in the future. By Mr. Dodd’s account, no Washington player can safely assume that a well-wired, heavily financed legislative program is safe from a sudden burst of Web-driven populism.

What Dodd, the MPAA, RIAA and everyone else backing these bills needs to understand is that this isn’t about money, it isn’t even about piracy. This is about government being able to run rough-shod over what services people use. If SOPA/PIPA backers brought a reasonable bill to the tech industry that was actually aimed at cutting down on piracy and not shutting down web sites without a judges review (you know, innocent before proven guilty), my guess is we’d back it.

The biggest problem, though, that those backers don’t understand (and don’t seem to want to) is that the power to slow piracy is already in their hands. I’m going to say this in capital letters so hopefully someone over there hears it:

THIS IS ABOUT GIVING US REASONABLY PRICED CONTENT WHEREVER WE WANT IT.

This isn’t rocket science.

The Thing I Can’t Stop Thinking About From Yesterday’s Apple Announcement

How in the world is Apple going to keep textbooks up-to-date and not lose your highlighting and note positions?

Did Apple come up with some magical new way of marking the beginning and end of the highlight area? The obvious way is to store the start character position and length (or end character position). But what happens if a word changes before that section? Do they, in essence, track changes and figure out how many characters to adjust the highlight position? What if a word changes in the middle? Do they know where it is and can adjust the highlight length? What happens if the entire passage you highlighted is deleted by the author?

Or do they do what Amazon did: throw away your notes and make your start over? (Bad. Very bad.)